Informing Those Who Know and Those Who Don’t
“We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world: the company of those who have known suffering.” —Helen Keller
* WARNING: This article contains some graphic descriptions and may be upsetting to some. Please exercise caution when reading. We found it necessary to include details to illustrate what goes on in the minds and hearts of the bereaved, so their family members and friends who want to understand them can begin to do so. Names have been changed to protect interviewees’ privacy.
The first year I lost my mom, I joined a grief support group. It was inclusive and non-denominational. One member of the group was a man who lost his wife two years back. He had already remarried and his kids got along well with their stepmom. I wondered why he was with us when he seemed to have it all figured out: new wife, new life, kids integrated into the new family. What was the problem?
Everyone in our group had the same question in our minds. I know because we wondered aloud among ourselves—without him, of course. But no one ventured to ask him. I thought maybe he was coming to our meetings without his second wife’s knowledge, but he told us later that she had given him his blessing.
Nine years hence, I realized I didn’t need to ask that fellow griever why he was still grieving with us two years after his wife’s death. I understand him now. Grief has no expiration date.
Refuting the Stages of Grief
Bereavement experts and counselors talk about the stages of grief. Some say it’s five; others, more. I have a problem with this set of rules because they seem to be an imposition on the bereaved. If the griever does not go through these stages in order, skips one, or takes too long in another, then there must be something wrong with them.
To my fellow bereaved, I implore you: do not let experts or well-meaning friends and relatives tell you how, when, where, and how long to grieve. Take as long as you want. Externalize your thoughts and emotions the way you are inclined to express them. Or not at all. Either way is fine… and valid. There are some caveats*, though, which we will tackle in a bit.
(Of course, we don’t want to dismiss the grief stages entirely. Some of you probably want to know what they are and how to deal with them. We will discuss them in a future article. Most of them are mentioned here but not in detail.)
Rebuff External Pressure
A relative remarked that I was an ice queen. I don’t cry, I am not given to explosive bursts of emotion, and I don’t consult relatives on problems. Therefore, I must be an android. This reached me by way of another relative who overheard the quip.
I told the snitch: “Do I look like I care what people think?” Unfortunately, many grievers don’t have the same conviction. They let others’ opinions get the better of them. They listen to external comments as well as the voices in their heads. They bow down to societal, familial, or collective pressure.
The result? Self-doubt. More hurt. Decreased self-esteem. Dust off the cobwebs in your brain and wear virtual earplugs. Your psyche is already deluged with pain and sadness. Why add extra negative stuff to it?
The Problem With the Phrase “Move On”
You do not “get over” the loss of a loved one. It is not an Olympic hurdle you jump over then proceed to the next one. It is true when they say it will get easier over time. That is one of our few consolations.
But the pain and the void that loved ones leave will always be there. If we accept this fact as inevitable—and true for everyone who has experienced loss—instead of trying to patch up the pain and filling in the void, then we won’t be as distressed by them in the future as they do now. (Or, at least, they won’t be as agonizing.)
You do not get over grief. You just manage it.
Moving on is for people whose romantic relationships have subsided. They need to move on to cultivate new ones. It is for athletes who have suffered irreparable injuries that render them incapacitated and unable to continue with professional physical activities. They need to move on to other fields not dependent on physical prowess to maintain their self-worth, especially if they have attached it to being athletes.
If you have attached your confidence and self-worth to your profession or status in life, the moment either is taken away from you, your entire world will crash. Say goodbye to your confidence and self-worth.
But if both are gained from within oneself and not attached to anything, they will remain with you for the rest of your life, regardless of the disintegration of other aspects of your life. For instance, your job, socioeconomic standing, relationships, family ties, looks, or youth.
In contrast, if you lose loved ones, you cannot move on to new loved ones. They are unlike careers that you can revive or switch with another. They are not akin to one’s physical appearance that you can augment with plastic surgery.
That’s why when you give a new puppy to someone whose dog has died, your gesture will be met with horror, even if you mean well. You cannot replace a loved one with a new one.
That’s why if a parent remarries immediately after losing a spouse, the children will treat the stepparent with aggression. This does not happen in all blended families but it is the default reaction of children, whether they are tweens, teens, or adults. Babies and toddlers don’t count. Their minds are too young to negatively process grief.
Expressions of Grief
* Sure, you are free to express what you think and feel inside. Positive and negative externalizations are valid. But one must be vigilant with the latter. Negative projections should stop short of violent expressions of anger and harmful habits, such as alcoholism and addiction in all forms.
Everyone is unique, so we all grieve differently. But there are some reactions to death that follow common threads. We have categorized them into:
The Regular Kind
Some internalize grief by withdrawing from society, preferring solitude. Grievers of this nature need lots of personal space. If they say they want to be alone, reign in your worries and leave them be. Some are known to viciously attack well-wishers who force them into joining social gatherings. Be warned.
Others externalize their grief, preferring to be in the company of people. They will seek anyone willing to listen to them, whether family, friends, or strangers. If you know a griever who is prone to sharing personal stories with strangers, keep tabs on them. Some may take advantage of their grief.
Reactions to Grief
These vary according to personality, psychosocial background (childhood history, upbringing, exposure to trauma), gender orientation, culture, religion, and socioeconomic status. (These are not in any particular order.)
Extreme sadness; crippling loneliness; dejection
Depression
The certainty that we will never be happy again
The feeling that clouds (or rain, or thunderstorms) follow us everywhere despite living in a desert climate or experiencing a scorching summer
Yearning and the desire to be with the deceased loved one again
Numbness or disorientation—usually felt in the beginning, upon first learning of the passing. This may be a sensation of either perceiving everything in slow motion or experiencing the suspension of movement, like in a Twilight Zone episode.
Denial, disbelief, or shock
A kind of heaviness that won’t go away
The feeling of crushing defeat in a competitive game forced on you and staged in a foreign sports arena… only a million times worse
Regret over what once was; realization of what is now missing
Emptiness—awareness of a void that can never be filled. A variant is the sensation of being sucked into a black hole from which there is no return to the real world.
Irritability
Extreme, uncontrollable anger
Overeating or loss of appetite
Being cold when it’s hot and vice versa
Meeting special occasions with dread instead of joyful anticipation—birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Eid al-Fitr, Holi, Kwanzaa, Nowruz have become painful events to go through rather than celebrations because these remind them of the loss. This is especially excruciating in the first year of the beloved’s passing, so don’t force the bereaved to put up decorations or join in the revelry if they don’t want to.
Sudden crying for no reason (apart from grief)—This is a classic sign of depression.
Alternate crying and laughing—a manifestation of mood swings
Sudden outbursts of emotion:
~ hitting people or anything they can get their hands on
~ lashing out at people they believe contributed to the loved one’s demise
~ smashing or throwing objects
~ loud, relentless wailing
Sleep interruptions—Waking up in the middle of the night when this isn’t their normal sleep pattern. When this happens often enough without resolution, it can lead to sleep disorders like insomnia. The opposite may also happen: oversleeping.
The desire to be among people 24/7
The fear of being left alone
The feeling of hopelessness
The certitude that there won’t be anything to look forward to anymore
Not wanting to get out of bed and face the world. A variant of this is sleeping in the deceased’s bedroom and refusing to leave.
Refusal to part with the deceased’s belongings
Resentment for the deceased at leaving them, especially if the death was unexpected, untimely, or the result of suicide
Guilt about or regret at:
Having the last words exchanged with the deceased as spoken in anger
Not being present during the deceased’s final hours
Not having been able to say goodbye or “I love you”
Not having been able to “save” the deceased
Not having been able to do anything or enough
Not having been able to care for the deceased in their illness or old age
Believing they caused the death
Turning to addictive substances for escape or relief. This includes nicotine, alcohol, illicit drugs, inhalants, or prescription medication (tranquilizers, sedatives, pain relievers)
Engaging in addictive behavior as a defense mechanism: gambling (regular or online betting, extreme lotto), non-stop video game-playing, shoplifting, impulsive shopping, obsessive-compulsive actions
Emotional pain manifesting as physical pain—In many cases, the bereaved’s grief is so profound that it materializes as physical illness.
Headaches, backaches
Dizziness, nausea, fainting
Muscle pain
Stomach pain
Shortness of breath; asthma
Flu-like symptoms
Sore throat
Lip sores
Urticaria (hives) and other skin breakouts
Cardiovascular issues, including heart attacks and angina pectoris (chest pain) Note: Cardiologists now test for depression whenever cardiac patients consult them.
Behaving out of character—A normally mild-mannered, soft-spoken individual would suddenly be screaming at family members at the slightest provocation.
Sudden inability or unwillingness to speak—a typical reaction from trauma, such as a child witnessing the murder of a parent
Blaming oneself for the loved one’s demise or assigning the blame to others (especially doctors, hospitals, and family members). A variant is taking responsibility for the deterioration of the deceased’s body.
Attributing the passing to bad luck, curses, or malevolent spirits. A variant is viewing the demise as a bad omen or harbinger of impending misfortune.
Resentment of other people who still have their parents/partners/children/relatives/best friends/pets
Typical of people who lose partners/spouses (especially if they had lengthy relationships):
The sensation of having lost their dominant hand/arm
The feeling of being cut off from the knees. This explains why, when people first learn of the demise, they fall to the ground or collapse.
The feeling of being hit by something massive:
A falling piano
A collapsing concrete wall
A wrecking ball
The Kind We Think Is Crazy But Is Actually Common
We, grievers, have shared our experiences with grief among ourselves—and asked people we know how they reacted to and dealt with their grief. We have come up with some seemingly bizarre experiences that people who have never lost someone will not understand. These are some of them:
Wanting to Join the Dead
This is a literal manifestation of the fifth item above: grievers want to jump into the open grave with their loved ones. A variation of this is they want to crawl into the coffin and curl up with the deceased. Many want to commit suicide to hasten the reunion.
If this desire becomes intense, seek help from a trusted, responsible individual, professional therapist, your primary care physician, or, if you want to remain anonymous, call a suicide helpline [1].
The Desire to Bring Back the Dead
Some want to preserve the remains of the deceased to keep them alive forever. You hear stories about people trying to hold on to their loved ones for eternity. The more extreme ones border on the “Frankenstein syndrome”—the desire to bring back to life the person who died.
A real-life example is the man who kept his mom in a meat-freezer in the basement. Most people will be appalled by this, but those who have experienced the death of a loved one will commiserate and understand completely.
Why have books and movies materialized with these topics in mind? Most of these are works of fiction but based on the writers’ or filmmakers’ experiences.
There is a mild variant of this reaction—the attraction toward literature, movies, or TV shows that depict dead people resurrecting. We’re not talking zombie apocalypse or vampires, but deceased loved ones returning. Examples are Resurrection, Manifest, and The Returned.
Watching shows or reading books on this theme provides some kind of vicarious comfort. Being privy to the grieving characters’ experience of being reunited with deceased loved ones on earth—in the present and not in heaven or nirvana—helps externalize a taboo wish without hurting anyone.
Of course, watching shows or reading all day isn’t healthy. “Everything in moderation,” as Mom used to say.
The Desire to Communicate With Loved Ones Across Transcendental Borders
It doesn’t matter whether you have unresolved matters with your deceased loved one or not. The desire to see them, touch them, speak with them… even smell them can range from subtle to overwhelming, so much so that you will go to any lengths to make this possible. It also won’t matter whether the means to achieve this is logical or believable.
That’s why seances are so much in demand where cultural or religious belief in the possibility of communicating with the dead is prevalent. To do this, one asks the aid of a medium. The more popular ones have been featured in talk shows like Oprah. Some legitimate ones genuinely feel the presence of spirits but actual communication is still up for contention.
It is up to the bereaved if they believe this type of communication is possible. What’s important is one should not fall victim to unscrupulous mediums whose only motivation is money. They prey on wealthy widows/widowers or adult orphans about to come into a sizable inheritance. Some have actually been able to convince the bereaved to include them in the deceased’s will.
Clairvoyants and psychics have their place in grieving society. Their value is not so much in their ability to communicate with the dead but their capacity to give solace to the bereaved. If going to a medium means being assured that the deceased is fine wherever they are (or have forgiven the survivors for earthly transgressions), this can help in the grieving process and in reaching closure.
Efforts to Preserve the Memory of the Deceased
Wearing the deceased’s clothes or accessories
Not clearing out the deceased’s room. An extreme variant is not touching anything at all because “they want to leave everything as it was, for all time.”
Frequent and repetitive watching of family movies or videos where the deceased was featured. Or repeated listening to the loved one’s voice on the answering machine.
The Dangerous Kind
Extreme or unresolved grief can be detrimental to the griever’s life and loved ones. Here’s a concrete example from an article I wrote on loneliness and addiction:
O’Connor [2] (and many others like her) is a somber reason why we need to manage grief. For more on the connection between loneliness and addiction, check out this blog post: “How to Battle the Invisible Epidemic of Loneliness.”
Suzanne is another example of one who fell into addiction without realizing it. Her form of addiction is substance abuse. A month after losing her husband, her house was engulfed in one of the California forest fires. Unfortunately, insurance-wise, it had to be written off.
She started with just one glass of whiskey to nurse her grief, but it spiraled into full-blown alcoholism. It got so bad that she woke up hungover every morning but took another form of alcohol to “cure” the hangover symptoms or “to tide her over” before her next “official” drink. The result? She was drunk 24/7.
Substance Abuse Statistics
This is the assiduousness of this disease: it creeps up on you. Addicts are seldom aware of its presence in their lives until they’re too far gone and desperate measures have to be implemented. The World Health Organization said in its global status report on alcohol and health that 3 million annual deaths worldwide are from harmful alcohol use, which represents 5.3% of all deaths.
According to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, in the US, alcohol contributes to approximately 18.5% of ER visits and prescription opioids to 22.1% of overdose deaths. We have come across studies linking substance abuse to grief, but the results are unclear and inconclusive, so we will delay posting stats until the authorities establish clarity.
Final Thoughts
If you identify with what we have discussed here, this is proof that you are normal and are merely taking part in a universal rite of passage. Everyone—even the smug ones who think they (and their family members) are invincible and immortal—will go through bereavement at some point.
Nevertheless, if you find your grief too overwhelming, speak to a trusted family member, close friend, community counselor, or spiritual leader. Join a grief support group. There are many grief resources online too.
If all else fails, consult a mental health therapist or grief counselor. We realize that in some parts of the world, doing so is still considered taboo. If you are wary of going to a psychiatrist or psychologist, we sincerely hope that you will try to overcome the apprehension of seeking professional help. What is one day of embarrassment compared to a lifetime of healing?
Take heart. You are not alone. You are among kindred spirits.
If you would like to comment on this article—or give constructive criticism, make suggestions, share your story, or be a contributor to our blog, please do so using this contact form. We keep our readers’ information private. Thank you in advance for your contribution.
Expat Scribe, the writer of this article, is also the author of the psychological techno-thriller, “The Invisible Cyber Bully: What it’s like to be watched 24/7.”
The novel tackles the surreptitious bullying and illegal surveillance, DNA-extraction, psychological torture of, and experimentation on ordinary citizens by law enforcers, scientific laboratories, various “hidden” associations, and global authorities. Some chapters discuss the garden-variety bully from schools and neighborhoods. The book also features a primer on how to fight cyber bullying.
Sources: [1] List of suicide crisis lines worldwide
[2] Jaret and Hogan. “Losing Everything to Gambling Addiction”. AARP (Association of American Retired Persons) Bulletin. Jan/Feb 2014.
Photo Credit:
Enrique Meseguer
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