A Primer on Funeral Service Etiquette
“If you need anything, let me know. In the meantime, here’s some food, so you don’t have to worry about preparing meals.”
Have you found yourself at a wake or funeral and at a loss for words? So you just mumble the customary “My condolences” or “Sorry for your loss” or “He/she was a good person/child/pet/colleague/boss/internal revenue guy.”
Now, with the added societal pressure of observing gender neutrality and political correctness, it’s even more difficult to express sympathy. This is why, in some instances, we just say ‘they/their’ in place of ‘he/she’ or ‘his/hers’ regardless of whether it’s grammatically correct or not.
Setting Yourself Apart
Some of you may want to say something unique to distinguish yourself from the indifferent hordes who show up at funerals because it was “the right thing to do” or who were guilted into attending. Others just want to show more sympathy but don’t know how.
Don’t feel guilty. Even those who have experienced the death of a loved one sometimes don’t know what to say to a fellow griever. The truth is, there are no right words. Each case and life (or death) story is different.
Research First
If you are going to a funeral and have time to prepare, it’s a good idea to do some research about the deceased person and their family before showing up. Find out what their philosophy/ideology/belief/religion is and if they are practicing. This will help you determine if they will be receptive to what you plan to say.
Death in Different Religions
For instance, most Christians, especially practicing Catholics—whether Roman or Greek Orthodox—would be touched by this statement: “Don’t worry, they are now in a better [1] place, as they are with God. I will pray for their souls.” Agnostics, atheists, and non-theistic [2] people like the Jainists [3], however, would bristle at this.
The Hindus are not monotheistic (believing in one god/deity/supreme entity). They believe in continuous reincarnation, a never-ending cycle of death and rebirth… unless they achieve perfection in moksha/nirvana [4]. See below. Sometimes, the deceased can come back to earth in a different form—and not necessarily human. So those words of supposed comfort are also not an appropriate type of consolation for them.
If you are mentioning the Prophet Muhammad in a conversation with a Muslim, it is customary to follow the name with “Peace be upon Him” (PBUH when in written form, in the second instance).
When there is a death in the family, Jews will hide all mirrors or cover them with black cloth, so they won’t see themselves grieving. Do not make a joke about this or complain that you cannot groom yourself as a result. Bring your own compact mirror, if necessary, and only use it in private.
The Difference Between a Wake and a Funeral
A wake is a viewing, while a funeral is when the body of the deceased undergoes the final rites: burial, cremation, or other means, like sending the body out into the ocean. Different religions have various ways of observing these rituals. That’s why it’s important to find out what kind of funeral you will be attending beforehand.
Some people who have had a negative experience with death in their families can tolerate attending a wake, but not a funeral. Others are willing to attend a burial but not a cremation service. We will explain why in a future article.
A wake is a watch or vigil held for someone who has died. This is more commonly known as the viewing, where well-wishers have the last opportunity to see the deceased before they are buried or cremated. Wakes are often accompanied by ritual observances, including religious services (like masses), as well as eating and drinking (no alcohol in most cases).
In some cultures, people prefer to commemorate and celebrate the life of the deceased instead of mourning their death. So do not be surprised or shocked if their wake/funeral has both grievers and attendees singing, dancing, laughing, playing upbeat music, and engaging in other forms of merrymaking.
In contrast, in certain parts of the world, they hire professional mourners who will cry at wakes, funerals, and at the cemetery post-event, as in death anniversaries.
For the Well-Meaning Well-Wisher
Here are lists to help well-wishers on what to say (and what not to say) to the grieving family during a funeral. Take note that there will be grievers who will appreciate some statements on the “What to Say” list, but others may have the opposite reaction to the same.
These are by no means exhaustive lists, so please exercise judgment. If you want to stay safe, say something from the statements mentioned at the beginning of this article. Sometimes, it’s better to be typical, clichéd, and safe, rather than sorry. Or leaving the venue with your foot in your mouth.
What NOT to Say
It may be difficult to know what to say to someone whose loved one has passed, but it’s easier to determine what not to say. These are some of the more common statements. We have asked multiple people (grievers and well-wishers alike) about this topic. The statements they offered below have actually been said at wakes and funerals.
It’s okay. Or, it will be okay. [It will never be okay. Ever. See why in this post by one of our team members.]
Asked of a griever currently sobbing: Are you okay? [Obviously not! This is a variant of the above. Give them a wordless pat on the back or find someone nearby to comfort them.]
Never mind. You still have your (mom/dad/grandma/grandpa). Or, you still have six other children/pets.
Said to an overly expressive and loudly wailing relative: Cut it out! You won’t stop screaming? Fine, go ahead and join (the deceased).
Said about an extremely disliked deceased person to a family member whom the departed had hurt/harmed: Good riddance. That’s karma biting them in the #$$. [No matter how evil the deceased is, it’s always in good taste to be civil.]
Said of a deceased person in their twilight years (seniors): It’s about time. Or, it’s their time to go (because they have lived long enough).
Also said of an elderly deceased person: It’s actually a bonus that they have lived this long.
I know how you feel. (Even if you have never experienced grief from loss.)
What to Say or Do
These are comforting words and actions in general, but again, they may be taken positively or negatively, depending on the background/religion/beliefs/disposition of the bereaved. So tread carefully. Take note that a more sensitive griever will take offense at the most innocent statements. In which case, it’s not your fault.
Actions:
If you know the deceased, relate to the family member your meaningful experiences with them when they were alive. Share a memory: how they helped you or gifts/advice they gave you.
If you don’t know the deceased, you can still draw on what their family member previously said about them. For example, if the grieving party used to say how much they looked up to the deceased person, refer to that in what you plan to say to the family. Or draw on the brief encounters you had with the deceased (as long as these are positive).
If you’re in a position or profession to help in a practical, tangible way, do so:
If you’re a social media manager, assist in disseminating information pre- and post-funeral. The same goes with an event planner—coordinate or manage related events.
If you’re a lawyer, offer to help with settling the deceased’s estate.
If you’re a government employee, provide them information on matters like pension benefits for spouses/partners of the deceased or funeral expense reimbursements from the social security system.
If you’re an auctioneer, help the family dispose of assets—especially if the deceased left them in debt and they need to raise funds right away.
If you’re a contractor, offer to carry out the physical divisions/allocations of the deceased’s properties.
If you’re a taxi/Uber/Grab/shuttle driver, offer to drive them around for errands. One of the most dangerous activities for grievers to do is to drive themselves in their time of mourning.
If you’re a psychiatrist/psychologist, offer counsel.
If you’re a member of the clergy or religious layperson, you can provide spiritual guidance and prayers.
If you’re a colleague, offer to take some tasks off their plate at work. Or take care of clients on their behalf temporarily.
If you’re a professional chef… need we say more?
Give a card (physical or virtual) with a heartfelt message. Including funeral photos of the deceased may or may not be taken at face value. Ask someone who knows the grieving family first before you do this.
Send flowers. Instead of these, contribute to their favorite charity or plant a tree in honor of the deceased person, or in their name.
Offer to do some chores: baby/pet/house-sit, clean their kitchens, cook their meals, assist at work (like researching, making coffee), or drive them to the funeral.
If they are left alone by the loved one’s passing, offer to stay at home with them temporarily. The most difficult time for a griever is after the funeral when everyone has left.
Sometimes, not saying anything helps. Just sitting with them in silence, lightly patting their hand/back, or giving them a hug (if they’re comfortable with this) is enough.
Words:
If you need anything, let me know. In the meantime, here is a casserole/dessert that will keep in the freezer for a few days, so you don’t have to worry about preparing meals.
If you need to talk, call/text/PM/zoom me. (Appropriate during the pandemic because of quarantines and lockdowns.)
You will see each other again someday.
Your loved one is at peace.
They have lived a full life.
Now you have someone (the deceased person) to watch over you.
I will offer good intentions (non-religious) / prayers (religious) for your loved one.
It’s fine to feel angry, afraid, confused, or frustrated. Your feelings are valid.
I also lost a loved one. I won’t say I know exactly how you’re feeling because grief is unique for everyone. But you are not alone and I’m sorry that you're hurting.
Statements that may be taken either way:
What happened? When and where did it happen? How did they die?
They are better off because their suffering has ended.
How old is the deceased? [What does it matter what their age is? They are gone forever and it’s devastating, whether they are 8 years old or 80.]
We have to accept the circle of life… and all that. Or, a baby will be born in (the deceased’s) place.
Cheer up. In the end, we’re all going to die, anyway.
Everything happens for a reason.
Be strong.
So what will happen to you now? Who’s going to take care of you? [The bereaved’s reaction—comforted or offended—will depend on your tone and delivery. If these are questions borne out of genuine concern, then they’re fine. But if said in an intriguing tone, it may sound like you’re mocking the griever’s new status—that of being left alone.]
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, there are no perfect words of comfort for anyone whose loved one has died. But if you speak from your heart, you can give them a sliver of solace.
We hope this preliminary article about funeral etiquette has helped you. We admit this only touches the surface of a vast subject, so we will be posting more comprehensive guides in the months ahead.
Footnotes:
[1] Some people believe that a ‘good place’ is safer to say than a ‘better place’ because the latter may imply that the deceased was in a bad place before they died.
[2] Non-theism: the practice of not believing in one god or gods.
[3] Jainism: a non-theistic religion Vardhamana Mahavira (aka the Jina) founded in India in the 6th century BC to counter the teachings of orthodox Brahmanism.
[4] Nirvana and moksha are similar in that they both provide a release from the eternal cycle of death and rebirth imposed by the law of karma.
Karma is a belief that whatever you do (actions, thoughts, and words) will come back to you, either in this life or the next. In Hinduism and Buddhism, it is the sum total of an individual’s actions in his current and previous forms of existence. Hindus and Buddhists believe that it decides people’s fate in future lifetimes.
Photo Credits:
Cemetery—Katja Just
Couple—Ryan Crotty
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